Does Following Patterns Really Help?

It depends on what the intended outcome is. Given everything is constant following what someone did successfully, i.e. obtained the intended result, usually helps achieve a similar result. This is the idea behind working with a mentor.

In other situations, following a pattern can make a bad situation worse. Pattern here means how someone acts as a result of having watched others act in given situations, and adopting the same.

The parents of one child came to see me wanting to know what they could do to have him get improved grades, because this child had barely passed his annual examination while failing in one subject. His mother, following a pattern, had berated him no end, his father had called him useless, and his friends and cousins referred to him as a loser.

It is not hard to imagine what this had done to the child's self-confidence and to his desire to study further or even go to school! The lessons he had learnt was it is bad not to get good grades, and you can be excluded from fun. How can this motivate him to work towards improving his grades? After all he had done what he could, he had been regular in school, had taken private tuition lessons, studied on his own, and yet the result told a different story. In a way, he too was following a pattern.

While his parents were talking to me, he sat silent with his head bowed, listening to comments about his lack of scholastic abilities and a bleak future. Something had to be done quickly to restore his confidence, and only when he could see the results, he would be motivated to work further.

I gave him an exercise, and asked them to return the following week. The boy had achieved what I had asked successfully. That was enough to reignite the spark in him. We worked out how he could study more effectively over the next year. His progress would be monitored from comments by his teachers and regular test results. It wasn't long before his classmates were calling him to help with their homework!

At times, we must step back, take a wider view to see if what we are doing is the right way to reach our goals. This child had ability; only it needed a different approach.

Before reacting to an undesired outcome, we should see if our reaction would make a bad situation worse. As in this example, I doubt that scolding, berating and "grounding" would have driven him to work to improve his grades.

Want to know your future?

Look at what you are doing now. Whatever you do or say now will affect your future, perhaps in a big way. Of course, there are things beyond your control, such as natural disasters, government policies or just plain luck, for everything else, you have a measure of control.

If you want to be successful, be clear on what success means to you. Then plan accordingly. What mindset, thoughts and actions are needed for your success? What resources will you need? Who will be affected by your success, and how? What impact will your success have on the environment?

Controlling your emotions rather than let them control you will impact your future tremendously. Learn to control anger, the number one saboteur when negative and destructive, yet the number one propellor, when under your control. Tony Robbins advises using a milder word to describe your anger, such as peeved instead of furious: this will allow you to dampen it down and put you in control. Try it.

Depression and stress will block your progress. Learn to manage them as well. The quality of work is much superior when you enjoy the process. Put up supports that can help you deal with stress: they may include meditation, relaxation and breathing techniques, friends, family or a coach, who will listen to you and help you progress.

You don't get a second chance to make a first impression: so be careful about your clothes being appropriate for the occasion, as well as your appearance, hair style, chewing gum etc. How well do you speak, what are you manners? Look at them closely. Do you have body odor or bad breath? Use a deodorant and a mouthwash as needed.

Take care of your health. You do want to enjoy your success over the years. Overeating, lack of exercise, smoking and a lack of adequate sleep are known causes of bad health leading to high blood pressure and perhaps diabetes. So keep you tobacco and caffeine consumption low, just take a single helping of food and avoid fried, fatty food as well as fatty salad dressings. A brisk walk of one hour five days a week can go a long way in improving your overall health.

Are you a victim or a player

A young businessman met me the other day, and before long began lamenting about his business not doing well. As it is always a sad scenario, I sympathised with him, and asked him about what was happening in his business. And then he began how his accountant was negligent, how his partner made decisions without bringing him in the picture and how customers did not pay their bills on time. Further down the conversation, it emerged that he seldom went to his office before afternoon. He explained this was so because his dog was ill and he had to care for it, his mother-in-law was in town and he had to drive her around for visiting and shopping. He used to travel overseas to meet with suppliers: his partner complained that he would be away for months, and never available for discussions.

It does not take much intellect to figure out why the business was faltering. The young man was passing on his responsibility to others, and others made decisions which perhaps they were not competent for. I learned later that this had become the man's pattern. He seemed comfortable in this role!

When I asked him if he was prepared to act differently in his business, he was startled, yet commented that he was always acting in the best interests of the business.

Now, the business is deep in debt; the partner is running it to the best of his abilities and gradually reducing their debt. That young man has resigned, and looking for a suitable job, without success so far. No job is available that suits his routine and other personal preferences. Meanwhile, his father continues to lend financial support. So this guy does not need to work, as his expenses are met. He can continue complaining about the world and everybody.

This is unfortunate, as many of his friends from school said that he was one likely to do well, as he got along with everyone well and was very popular.

He needs to change his way of thinking. His dad can't support him for ever, and I feel that his dad has a role in this sorry state by perpetuating it.

When I suggested he work with a coach, he declined as he knew what he should do. In fact, others come to him for advice!